Depressed....

In the beginning of this year, I knew that I wanted to go back to school and achieve a career in nursing. I wanted to be something important and make something of myself professionally, but somehow I think I have lost those feelings.....I just dont know what I want anymore.

I think I may have come to a depressive stage in life. I know I want a change but what??? What could it be??? How could I come to a point in life where I am unhappy??? How could I say I'm unhappy??? I have a wonderful husband, who loves me for who I am and who would do anything to make me happy. I have two beautiful children who are my everything....my life. I have a roof over my head and a soft bed to lay in. I have a car to drive and food to put on the table. I have loving family members and caring friends, but yet I still feel unhappy.

I keep thinking maybe it's because I grew up too fast cause I feel so old. I feel like I missed out on a lot of my young adult years. I got with my husband in high school, we've been with eachother for 11 years; we went through a lot "together". Soon after high school, we got pregnant, got married, and I moved out of my house by the age of 19. I made a lot of good/bad decisions in life and I don't regret any of those decisions, however there is one thing I do regret...not having time for "me".

Growing up, I always had to play mommy...since I was six years old. Always having to take care of my nephew Ricky, my neices Alyssa and Vanessa through middle school, and my neices Jazmyne and Alonnah in high school. In high school I got a boyfriend and spent a lot of my time with him. I was never in extra ciricular activities in high school, except for track, which lasted only one year before I met Chris. I also spent a lot of my free time working throughout high school. Then my mom got sick with cancer and tried to spend as much time with her possible. I never really got the opportunity to focus on "me". I always put a lot of things before myself.

Now....it's hard to focus on "me". I have my children to take care of. Now, I am an actual mommy. My whole life has always been to take care of others, that is probably why I feel becomng a nurse would make a great career because taking care of people is what I know. But is it really something I want to do??? I want to focus on my weight. I want to exercise and eat the right foods, but I can't find any motivation....I'm too depressed.

I want, I want, I want.....I guess my wants will have to wait for now.

well what a weekend we had....i guess i could start off on saturday Dec 18th, my grandpas b-day party....everyone was there! it was so nice to see everybody. we all had so much fun. im sooo glad chris gets along so well with all my cousins. he was having a good time. i was the designated driver. he got a little tippsy but it was all good.

it was great to see Carla there, we all havent seen her in a long time. she is sooo HOT! Steve and Michelle did a fantastic job performing for all of us....YOU Guys were gREat!! There were alot of people that i did not recognize there. but it didnt matter all of us had a good time.

i have to mention some funny and irritating shit that happened...ok anyhow i have to discribe what my cousin angel was wearing so that you can have the picture in your head when you read this...ok she was wearing a strapless, gray, pinstripped dress, sort of like a tub top dress, with a black sweater over to hide herself because her dress kept falling off her titts, and she's a thick girl too. (get the picture??) anyways, my sister Rose was talking about how Carla looked sooo HOT and that if she had the goods too she'd flaunt it too. then angel says "oh i have the goods, just not the body" and then lifts up her sweater to show off her titts...wtf!!! leave it to angel to do shit like that....lmfao. she did that if front of rose, me, gigi, chris, ricky, lou, and cant remember who else but you should of seen our eyes pop out! that was freaking hilarious.

well ill write more later...i have to get going to work....<<*muah*>>